Reality Check
by angels-of-the-silence
Summary: That 'I'm dead' thing drove him insane. She was not dead, whether she thought she was or not. Her opinion was, as usual, completely rejected. She wasn't dead, and he was going to prove it. Reality check! IchiRuki
1. Chapter 1

**Reality Check**

"Ichigo?"

Ichigo could _feel_ every single vertebra in the back of his neck creak as he turned his head toward Rukia where she sat behind him, sprawled on the floor, staring blankly at some magazine or other. This was the _fifteenth_ time she'd bothered him while he was trying to do his homework. The fifteenth time in the last _ten minutes._ Would she never shut up?!

"What?!" he demanded.

"Inoue has asked me to come to her home over the weekend."

"_And?!_"

Rukia blinked at him, pouting. "You don't need to be _rude_," she snapped. "I'm just telling you that I'm going. For two days. So you'll have to take care of yourself."

"Look, Rukia, I really don't _care_ what you do. I can take care of anything that comes up just fine. I've got this... alternate... badge... thingy now. So I'll be fine. Don't worry about it." Truth was, he was surprised that she would even _consider_ taking a break. The little freak was a workaholic.

"She said it was for her birthday, but I didn't need to bring anything."

"That was nice of her."

"What does it mean?"

"What does what mean?"

"That I don't need to bring anything?"

"What do you _think_ it means, moron? That you don't have to bring anything."

"Oh."

"Happy?"

There was silence, and Ichigo turned back to his work. Ten seconds later-

"Ichigo?"

"What _now?!_"

"What's a birthday?"

Ichigo's head fell foreward to bang on the desk. Repeatedly. Rukia stared at his back. Alllllllll righty then, he'd finally cracked. Well, her work here was done. No, actually, he still hadn't answered her question, so she had to keep pestering him until he 'spilled the beans.' Another phrase which had been ammunition for hours on end.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIchiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" she whined, crawling over to jab him repeatedly in the side. This was a tactic which, she had learned, annoyed the _hell_ out of him. She suspected that she reminded him of his sisters, and the poor sod couldn't say no to his sisters. It worked, because Ichigo stopped smashing his head on the desk and instead sat back in his chair, staring accusingly at the ceiling, as though it was to blame for his being stuck with a four-foot-tall psycho.

"Dammit, Rukia, what the hell do you mean, 'what's a birthday'? It's the day you were born, stupid!"

"Inoue... is born... this weekend?" Rukia was mystified. Humans never ceased to amaze her. "But I just saw her today. She's already here!"

Ichigo sighed, raking his fingers through his hair in exasperation. "I mean, it's the _celebration_ of the day you were born. People all get together and give gifts and all that crap."

"Why?"

"Just because. Now shut up." As she mumbled about tyrannical idiots with inflated heads, he surveyed her. "You really don't know what a birthday is?"

"No, why would I? I don't know when I was born, and none of my friends did, and that sort of thing isn't _done_ among the noble families. Besides, I'm dead."

This again. He nudged her with his foot so that she looked up at him. "Geez, Rukia," he said, leaning forward. "You're _not_ dead. How many times do I have to tell you that? You're sitting right there, and nobody dead can mess up my room like that."

He gestured around them. There were bunnies everywhere.

Rukia pouted. "But I like bunnies, Ichigo," she muttered indignantly. She didn't address the other issue, instead opting to go back to whatever the hell it was she had been doing, absentmindedly punching Kon across the room when he leapt at her, squealing, as he always did.

The back of her head was regarded by Ichigo. This 'I'm dead' thing drove him _insane._ She was there, wasn't she?! She had a heartbeat, and she breathed, and she ran around screwing up his life and beating the hell out of him whenever there was an excuse. Dead people did not do those things.

Okay, so maybe _technically_ she was dead, but she was still there, and she deserved to think of herself as just as alive as everyone else. Not that, he assured himself quickly, he really _cared_ or anything, but he didn't like it when his friends even _thought remotely_ that he would ever let anything happen to them, and this was sort of an extension of that, wasn't it?

Yes, he decided, it was. So he was gonna do something to make that stupidity disappear.

He was going to give Rukia a reality check.

((...and we all know it'll backfire, don't we? -giggle-

Yes! Another chapter fic! Yay, yes?

If anybody has any ideas, you know I'm totally open to them.

-Silence))


	2. Chapter 2

**You Can't Be Serious**

"You can _not_ be serious, Kurosaki." Ryuuken stared at Isshin, who was across the table looking pleased with himself, and then at Kisuke, next to him, who was nodding approvingly with a stupid grin on his face (as usual), and then back at Isshin. "They _hate_ each other. Every time I see them go by they are trying to _kill_ each other. It isn't going to happen."

Ishin pouted. "But it would be so _perfect_!" he whined. "And then your son could pair up with Orihime-chan!"

Ryuuken's eye twitched dangerously. _How_ had he been coerced into meeting these two dimwits at a bar. Then he remembered. They had physically dragged him. "_My son_ is _not_ going to-"

"Awwwwwww!" Kisuke put in. "But it would be so _cute_! Wouldn't it, Kurosaki-san?"

"Of course it would!" Isshin was practically giggling. Which was very, very creepy. "Absolutely adorable!"

The Quincy scowled at them from behind his glasses. "But it would not work. The girl is-" he paused, coughed, and removed his glasses to clean them. Focusing on this task, he continued, "In any case, she seems quite enamored of _your_ son, Kurosaki, and not mine." It was true, but Ryuuken really just didn't want her to be anywhere near his son if that was the case. He didn't really particularly _like_ his son, but it _was_ his job to mess with the boy's love life (or lack thereof) as much as possible, and Ryuuken was very serious about his jobs.

Isshin looked confused. "Well, yes, she alwyas has liked Ichigo, but they just wouldn't- and, anyway, Orihime-chan _knows_ about Ichigo and Rukia-chan."

"Knows about _what?!_" Ryuuken snapped, replacing his glasses. "I think that we have established that they _hate_ each other, Kurosaki!"

Kisuke, who had until this point been staring avidly at the passing waitresses, now looked back and piped up. "Oooh, you're a big dummy, Ryuu-chaaaan!"

"Do _not_ call me that, Urahara."

"Aww, but Ryuu-chan-!"

"I believe that I just _told_ you-"

"C'moooooooooooon, guys!" Isshin whimpered. "Can't we stay on topic? PLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

Ryuuken's fingers twitched. "Please refrain from _shouting_, Kurosaki. We are in a public place, must I remind you." He was silent for a moment, as, surprisingly, were the other two. "What was the topic, again?" he asked, trying to remember something other than that fool's voice calling him 'Ryuu-chan'.

"You remember, right?" Isshin asked Kisuke pleadingly. Kisuke blinked at him through the shadow cast by his hat. "Remember what?"

And Isshin started bawling. "OOOOOOOH!" he wailed, drawing stares, "FIRST MY SON, THEN MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS, AND NOW EVEN MY FRIENDS HAVE-"

"Be _quiet_, Kurosaki!" Ryuuken hissed, glancing around.

Kisuke nodded wisely. "People will think we're _weird,_ Kurosaki-san," he chirped.

Oh, yes. Heaven forbid. Because there was really nothing weird at _all_ about three super-powered old men gathered at a bar to bet on and screw with their children's (and other people's children's) love lives. Nope. Nothing weird at all about _that._ What a ridiculous notion. That was completely normal.

Yep.

Erm.

Well. Maybe it was a _little_-

Nah.

Isshin suddenly stopped crying.

"I PUT TWENTY DOLLARS ON MY SON AND RUKIA-CHAN!" he screamed, slapping American money down on the table.

Kisuke and Ryuuken stared at him.

"Kurosaki-san," Kisuke began, "Why are we dealing in American money?"

"So it'll be like those old gangster movies!"

"What old gangster movies?"

"The American ones!"

Ryuuken scowled. "Why would we want to-"

"TWENTY DOLLARS ON URYUU AND ORIHIME-CHAN!" Kisuke shrieked, interrupting him and also slamming money down.

"What?!"

"C'mon, Ryuu-chan, you _have_ to join us now!"

"Do not call me-"

"Yeah, Ryuu-chan!"

"Not you, too!"

"I'm not gonna stooooooop until you beeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

"Fine! I'll put- er-"

"It has to be twenty dollars,_ Ryuu-chan_!"

"All right, already! Twenty dollars on Kurosaki's son and the Inoue girl."

"YOU'RE GONNA LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE, RYUU-CHAAAAAN!"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

((My god, the plot thickens! Oo Not only will our Ichii-chan be running around trying to give Rukia-chan a "reality check," but these three will be doing whatever it takes to win this bet!

I know this sort of thing has been done before, but I'm doin' it, too!

Ideas, people! Gimme ideas for Ichii's plot and these guys', too! I love 'em, and unless I get inspiration, can't write without 'em! -

-Silence))


	3. Chapter 3

**The Drinking Game**

From the beginning of this party, Rukia had been terrified.

In attendance were Orihime (of course), Tatsuki, Mahana, Michiru, and Rukia herself. Ryou had been busy, and, though Chizuru had enthusiastically accepted Orihime's invitation, when Tatsuki had arrived she had regretfully informed them all that Chizuru would not be able to attend after all, and had then gone into the bathroom to wash the blood off her hands.

This was a rather inauspicious beginning, which only got worse when they began discussing makeup.

Gods no.

But it had settled down a bit, at least in that aspect, since then. It was now about midnight. They had been eating cake.

Lots and lots of cake.

Five highschool girls + sugar + midnight ...

Well... This will be left up to your imagination, but it probably isn't anything good.

"Let's play the drinking game!" Mahana squealed, jumping up from where she had been reclining on the floor. At this suggestion, Michiru paled visibly and began stammering protests, Tatsuki rolled her eyes, Orihime blinked, and Rukia was unaffected because she was too high on sugar to care.

"But- does Inoue have any sake?" she asked. Orihime flushed. "No,"she said firmly.

"Then how are we going to-"

"We'll use soda instead," Mahana said firmly. "And we're gonna do it." With that, she ran to the kitchen, snagged an incredible five bottles of soda, and returned with them. She was carrying one in her teeth. One had to wonder how her dentist stood her.

"Mffrle-errgle- mmmph!" she said proudly around the cap.

"Excuse me?" Orihime replied weakly. Tatsuki nudged Michiru, who seemed to have fainted, with her foot. Maybe she had just passed out form a sugar overload. Ah, well. Rukia continued to stare blankly. "You can't play the drinking game with soda," she said eventually.

"Well we wouldn't use alchohol!" Orihime's voice was stern. "We're underage!"

Rukia blinked at her, looked at the others present, and decided not to comment. Informing them as she wanted to do that she was one hundred and fifty years old, dammit, and she could drink what she very well wanted would probably not impress them. In fact, it would probably make them edge away and glance at her nervously. Except for Orihime, of course, who knew.

"OKAY!" Mahana shouted, startling them all (even Michiru, who had gotten back up and now squeaked loudly). During the interim, Mahana had set up the bottles in a circle just about the right side for the girls to sit in, and was seated before her own bottle like a tribe chieftan. Except more smug. "We're gonna play now!" she announced once they had her attention.

Tatsuki and Orihime glanced at each other. Tatsuki shrugged, and went to sit next to Mahana. Orihime followed, and Michiru glanced pleading at Rukia for an objection. Rukia, however, went right along with it, sitting between Orihime and waiting for Michiru to sit on her other side. After a moment's hesitation, Michiru also came over and sat down gingerly, as though she was afraid that the bottle was going to bite her.

"Okay!" Mahana said, again. "We'll do it in categories!" She paused. "Wait, everyone knows how to play, right?" Everyone looked at Michiru, who reluctantly shook her head.

"Then why were you so upset?" Mahana demanded, hands on her hips. Michiru looked sheepish, but didn't reply. "Oooooooh, fine! Well," Mahana continued, having apparently appointed herself game-mistress, "Basically, you go around the circle and everyone says something they've never done. If you've done it, you have to take a drink of the soda. By the way, you can't repeat an 'I've never.' Last one whose bottle is empty loses and has to wash all the dishes!" At hearing there was a _punishment_, Orihime looked ready to object.

"But that isn't really fair-"

"Sssssh, Orihime-chan, it's your birthday, so you're not allowed to clean up anyway."

When Orihime opened her mouth to speak again, Tatsuki slapped a hand over the other girl's face. "No, Orihime," she said firmly. "Look, we'll do it Mahana's way, 'cause otherwise we'll never hear the end of it."

Mahana grinned smugly. Yes, she _was_ the queen. "Right," she continued. "Now that that's settled- like I said, we'll play in categories. All of the 'I've nevers' have to be in a category for one go around the circle, and every time we get back to me I'll switch the category."

"Hey!" Tatsuki cut in. "Why _you_?"

"'Cause it was my idea and I'm Game Mistress," Mahana replied promptly. Yep. So she _had_ decided that. Predictable, since it was Mahana.

"Fine, fine," Tatsuki grumbled. Since she had already beat the crap out of Chiz- I mean, since she had decided not to be violent tonight because it would upset Orihime, she let it rest.

"First category!" Mahana cried cheerfully. "Ummmmm... DATING!"

Tatsuki groaned. That was just _way_ too predictable.

"I've never had a first date that didn't lead to a second," Mahana announced, and glanced around. Tatsuki, Orihime, and Michiru all drank some of the soda. Tatsuki just rolled her eyes, Orihime blushed, and Michiru avoided everyone's gaze. Rukia sat there and stared at all of them, and Mahana raised an eyebrow. "Okay," she said. "Your turn, Tatsuki-chaaaaan!"

Said 'Tatsuki-chan' rolled her eyes again and then said, "I've never... aw, c'mon... I've never asked a guy on a date."

Mahana took a hearty swig, but no one else moved. "Wimps," Mahana muttered.

When Orihime realized it was her turn, she reached up and played with her hair a bit. "Um," she said, shyly, "I've never been on a date when a guy did more than, er, stare at me."

Everyone but Rukia drank again. Rukia felt herself being stared at, and fidgeted.

Now that it _was_ Rukia's turn, she shrugged. "I've never been on a date," she said flatly. This got some raised eyebrows, and around the room all the other girls swallowed more soda. Michiru muttered that she'd never been kissed on a date, at which point Mahana guzzled half of her remaining soda and Tatsuki's eye twitched angrily as she took a sip. Orihime and Rukia didn't move.

"This leads us to our neeeext category!" Mahana chirped. "_Kissing!_"

"Ooh, shocking," Tatsuki muttered. "How risky."

"I've never kissed the same guy twice," Mahana said challengingly, ignoring her. "They get boring after the first time, you see..."

Michiru was the only one who took a drink, but Rukia raised her hand tentatively. "Er," she began, "Does it count if you were kissed _by_ the same guy twice? Or more?"

Eyebrows shot up.

"Yes," Mahana said firmly, and Rukia took a sip.

"Okay! Your turn, Tatsuki-chan!" Mahana screamed happily.

"Fine. I've never been kissed by a guy I didn't pummel afterwards," Tatsuki snapped, and everyone else drank.

"I've never kissed anyone myself," Orihime said at her turn, but Mahana was the only one to drink. "Wimps," she muttered again.

Rukia considered for a moment. What could she say she'd never done and still be honest?

"Well," she said eventually. "I've never been kissed of my own free will!" she finished triumphantly, proud that she had come up with something truthful.

Every other girl stared at her, and she looked around, confused. "What?" she asked.

"Um," Orihime said tactfully. Mahana, who was by nature both direct and incredibly outspoken, said it. "_What_," she demanded, "Do you mean by _that_?"

Michiru gasped. "Mahana-chan!" she squeaked. "How rude!"

"Oh, shush," Mahana snapped. "You wanna know, too!"

"I do not!"

"Haven't we had this discussion before? Now shut up and let the girl answer!"

All eyes were again on Rukia, and she fidgeted. "Um?"

"_Talk!_" Mahana urged.

Rukia shrugged. "Well, you know," she said, almost casually. "I mean, when I was little I ran around by myself a lot, and I'm small, and being younger didn't help that, and, you know, occasionally some men ganged up and, well, you know." She shrugged again. "It really isn't all that uncommon."

Jaws had dropped around the room.

"What?" she asked again, now even more confused. Maybe they didn't know what she meant?

"You mean- you mean- you mean-" Mahana seemed to be stuck on those two words, and Orihime had covered her mouth with her hands.

Maybe it wasn't common in this world?

Oh. Embarassing.

"Um, maybe we should go and open Inoue's presents now?" Rukia suggested, eager to get off the subject.

Agreement came from around the room from equally eager mouths, and they all went to do so. Rukia hoped that the subject would be forgotten, but something about the way the other girls stared at her suggested that it wasn't.

Great.

So much for having a fun party.

Now they all thought she was some sort of freak. Dirty.

So much for the drinking game.

((Okay, a little heavier, though nothing really _happened_. This was mostly setting up a situation for the next few chapters, so it was kinda pointless, and rambling, and boring, and all that blah. Grr. I'm not on my A-game today, but it's time for an update, so here it is. Also, I can completely imagine Rukia-chan thinking it was no big deal- worse things happened every day, right?- and only being uncomfortable about it because the _other_ girls were bothered by it. If you can't, I'm sorry. Anyway, I promise the next chapter will be lots better!

Suggestions welcome, thought I've pretty much got it planned now.

As for my readers and reviewers- -blows a kiss- -luv ya!

-Silence))


	4. Chapter 4

**Bonding**

The other girls had finally gone to sleep around three in the morning, but when Orihime glanced over, she saw through the gloom that Rukia was still sitting up. The tension in the back of Orihime's mind told her that there was a Hollow, and that Ichigo was dispatching it.

Rukia was worried, then?

Orihime was. She worried every time a Hollow appeared. But she knew that it would turn out all right in the end, because her Kurosaki-kun wouldn't have it any other way. It had to turn out right because he wouldn't let it turn out wrong.

"Kuchiki-san?" she whispered, awkwardly.

Rukia started, and looked over. "It's only a Hollow, Inoue," she whispered back, comfortingly, as though thinking that that was why Orihime was awake. "I'm sure he'll-"

"Kuchiki-san, would you... Come and sit in the kitchen with me?"

The other girl was startled. Orihime couldn't see it, but she could feel it from the vibrations of reiatsu coming from her friend. "Please?"

After a moment, Rukia nodded. "Sure," she replied, and the two carefully picked their way around the sleeping bodies and into the kitchen, where at Orihime's motioning they both sat at the table.

There was silence. It was a comfortable silence, the kind that there was between good friends. But Orihime wasn't relaxed. It had just occured to her.

"Um," she began, and Rukia tilted her head to the side expectantly. "Kuchiki-san... I just... I just realized that... I don't know anything about you, really, Kuchiki-san." She felt rather than saw Rukia's frown of confusion. "I mean," she continued, to clarify, "I know that you're a shinigami, and that you're a very nice person, and that you're my friend, but I really... You know just about everything about me, Kuchiki-san. You probably know more than I do." She smiled ruefully, but the expression faded. "But I haven't even bothered to ask a single question about you. I'm sorry, Kuchiki-san."

Rukia was quiet, and then she said, softly, "You don't need to apologize, Inoue. It's not a problem. I really haven't wanted to tell anyone anything, you know? But if you want to know about me..." She shrugged. "Since it's you, I really don't mind. I don't know where to start, so I'll just start talking."

Despite her words, Rukia was quiet. Orihime only watched her inquisitively, and, with a sigh, the Shinigami spoke.

As she listened, Orihime thought. She really hadn't expected Rukia to be very open, but the other girl seemed to have been... waiting, somehow, to talk. Though Orihime could see Rukia struggling to keep her expression and tone neutral, she could also see that it was difficult.

Bonding, Orhime decided. Real friends knew about each other.

Where did that leave them?

- - - - - -

Ichigo was at a complete and total loss.

He had _no clue_ what he was supposed to do about the 'reality check' thing he had decided on. Oh, it was all well and good as an idea, but- what the hell was he supposed to actually do?! It was official: he needed help. But who could he ask?

He couldn't very well walk up to a member of his family and say, hey, you know how the girl living with us is really dead, and a Shinigami, right? Well, I've decided- The first sentence had eliminated that. They didn't know anything about Shinigamis, or the afterlife... He wasn't gonna tell them that! That ruled out anyone who wasn't one of his usual... Well, what could he call them? The only options were the people who already _knew_.

Urahara: Who the hell could actually _talk_ to that annoying man? Eliminated.

Yoruichi: She would probably stare at him, shake her head in disgust, and go and eat something. Or maybe transform just to scare the hell out of him. Eliminated.

Ururu/Jinta: Not. Gonna. Happen. Those kids were _psychotic!_ Eliminated.

Ishida: The kid was practically dead in any case. What did _he_ know about really being alive? Stuffy, stuck-up, pompous... Eliminated.

Renji: Are you freaking _kidding?!_ Eliminated.

Chad: Chad wouldn't really know how to deal with Rukia, would he? He didn't know her at all, actually. The only person he'd ever spent time with was Rukia's schoolgirl persona, which wasn't anywhere near the real thing. Eliminated.

Bya- no, we're not even _going_ there.

He couldn't very well ask _Rukia_, so there was only one option left: Inoue.

This was going to be _so_ embarassing. But at least she probably wouldn't either make fun of him for the rest of eternity or beat the crap out of him. Yep... Best option available.

Friendly bonding, here I come.

((Eek, nothing happened in this one either. ;; Still setting up the next chapters. Sorry! Hope this one was better. -dies of shame at pointless chapter-

-Silence))


	5. Chapter 5

**Impossible**

_"Do you love him?"_

_The question clearly startled Rukia. The smaller girl jumped, and then stared at Orihime. "What?" she'd asked, dumbly. When Orihime repeated it, Rukia watched her silently for so long that Orihime began to wonder if she'd _killed_ her._

_"I don't know." The reply was as straightforward as the question. Orihime wondered why it had taken so long for the two of them to be honest with each other. This response wasn't what upset her. It was the continuation. "And even if I did," Rukia added, "It wouldn't matter."_

_"What do you mean?" Orihime asked._

_Rukia sighed. "I'm dead, Inoue. You're all alive. It couldn't work. And, anyway, I have to go back to Soul Society sooner or later. Attachments are only problems. It's impossible." She paused, then added slyly, "Besides, I'd rather that you have him. You love him."_

_It wasn't a question, and when Orihime protested, Rukia raised a hand for her to stop. "No, Inoue. I know. Believe it or not, I noticed. And... I know how it feels. He doesn't love you now, of course. You realize that. But-" here she leaned foreward- "-We could get him to, if you want. After I'm gone, he'll have you, and maybe he won't be as pathetically useless as he was last time I left."_

_Orihime shook her head. "No, Kuchiki-san! I don't know why you don't see it, but he loves _you_!"_

_Rukia looked taken aback. "That's ridiculous," she said flatly._

_"No, it isn't! Kuchiki-san, I don't understand why you won't- I just- Kuchiki-san, I just want you to-" As she sputtered, feeling tears come to her eyes, Rukia watched her with a blank expression._

_"It's impossible, Inoue. But if I can make something for you, I will."_

_And she had walked out of the kitchen and gone back to her sleeping bag, pulling the fabric over her head and staying there._

_She was out of touch with reality, clearly. She thought that it couldn't work._

_It was that moment that Orihime decided that she had to give Rukia a reality check._

- - - - - -

"Geez, Rukia, what did you _do_?" Ichigo demanded, peering around what had used to be Orihime's impeccably clean apartment.

"Idiot," Rukia replied rebelliously. "I didn't do a damn thing. They went crazy! I swear, don't ever let those people in your house with sugar."

"Like I would."

"Oh, _wouldn't_ you?"

"What are you implying?!"

Orihime watched them bicker, slightly embarassed. The only reason they were being so normal was because the others had all left, even Tatsuki, because Ichigo had _refused_ to let Rukia go to and from by herself and he had been horribly late in picking her up. Something about his father and an attempt at using the oven.

Anyway.

After a moment, Orihime interrupted.

"Kurosaki-kun," she began tentatively, and blushed when he turned from his intense glaring match with Rukia to look at her. "Um, do you mind helping me, um, go shopping later?"

Ichigo stared at her. She needed help to go shopping?

"I-I mean," she stammered, "We sort of- we used up everything I had in the house, so I'll need to get a lot of things- and- I-"

Rukia swooped in smoothly to save her. "She means, you little twit-" Ichigo raised his eyebrows at the word 'little' and recieved a hard punch in the chest in return, "-that she needs help carrying it all home. You don't want her to get hit by a car again, do you? I mean, if she's focusing on carrying all that, she won't be looking where she's going, and she might fall-"

"I get it!" Ichigo snapped, slightly hoarsely because of how hard he'd just been punched by the little she-devil, "Yeah, sure, Inoue. I'll be back as soon as I get the _brat_-" he was punched again, "-home."

As they retreated, Orihime heard Rukia snap, "You know, fool, I'd be perfectly capable of getting home by myself!"

"But you're so clueless you'd get lost- ow!"

"You jerk! I can do just fine on my own, thank you very much!"

"_You'd _get hit by a car, you- ow! Bitch! OW! STOP THAT, DAMMIT!"

"NO!"

"OW! I SAID QUIT IT!"

"AND I SAID NO, KUROSAKI!"

And so on and so forth.

Orihime closed the door, shaking her head. She was going to have a _very_ long chat with Kurosaki-kun when he came back.

((And it thickens again. XP Our little 'spies' (ie, the crazy old nutjobs) will be in the next chapter, I promise. Now Orihime's out to get Ichigo and Rukia together, against her own wishes, and Rukia is likewise out to get Orihime with Ichigo. This might seem weird, but I think that it makes sense, since the two of them tend to do bloody stupid things like this because of the whole 'I'm not worthy' crap they both think about. Of course, we'll have to drag Uryuu into it somehow. And then we can have some major awkwardness, ne?

-Silence))


	6. Chapter 6

**Excuse Me?**

Ryuuken looked like he was trying to imitate the fictional 'Godfather of the Mafia' from all those American gangster movies Isshin so desperately wished to emulate. Except he didn't have a fat, pig-faced cat in his lap. Instead, he leaned forward, hands together under his chin but not supporting his head, elbows on his mahogany desk and rear end in his top-of-the-line suede armchair. He was lit from the side by one of those shiny silver lamps with a twisty neck. It was a very dramatic moment.

His son stared at him, one eyebrow raised.

"What?" Uryuu asked, the edge in his tone betraying his calm demeanor.

"You heard me," Ryuuken replied flatly. "I said that you are to stay away from the Inoue girl." Wow, Ryuuken really was pathetic, wasn't he? So uncreative... This wasn't going to win him his bet, the twit. Of course, this is all from the author's perspective and really shouldn't be in here, should it, so this bit is over now.

Uryuu stared at him for a few moments, and then wordlessly left.

So much for the master plan.

- - - - - -

Ichigo blinked, finding himself the target of one of Orihime's infamously rare glares. They were walking back to Orihime's apartment, shopping bags in hand.

"Wh-what?" he asked, unsettled by the sudden show of animosity from a girl who could usually barely manage a suitably believeable pout.

"Kurosaki-kun," the girl began, a tremor in her voice, "I wanted to... talk to you about something."

He looked at her, bewildered. If she wanted to talk... then talk! "Yes?" he prompted instead of telling her so.

"It's about Kuchiki-san."

Ichigo paled visibly. Was this going to be one of those uncomfortable conversations about _feelings_? God no, he hoped not. It was horrible enough when he had to talk to his father about it- though perhaps that was enough to make any conversation uncomfortable- and he couldn't even _imagine_ the terror of talking to _Orihime_ about that sort of thing. It was nearly as bad as the thought of talking to Rukia herself. And that was so ridiculous it couldn't even be put into words.

"Kurosaki-kun? Were you listening to me?" Ichigo realized she'd been talking. "Er, no," he replied. "Sorry."

With a long-suffering sigh, Orihime repeated herself.

"Do you even know anything about her? Kuchiki-san, I mean." Her tone was anxious, her eyes probing on his face.

Well, that was better than he'd been expecting. From Orihime, he wouldn't have been surprised by an outright question like, 'do you love her.' While he'd immediately scream 'no' and probably run away at the very thought of the words 'love' and 'Rukia' even implied in the same sentence together, the mortification would stay with him for the rest of eternity.

"Well," he began, still horrified at the thought of what she might have asked him, "of course I know stuff." It _was_ a strange question, and he wondered where it could possibly lead. "I mean, she's a shinigami, and she's 'bout a hundred and fifty, and she's a noble. Spoiled little brat," he added in a mutter under his breath.

Then he was again startled by Orihime's unusual behavior. She stopped dead, and absolutely _glowered_ at the back of his head. Warily, he turned to stare back at her in confusion.

"What?"

"You really don't know anything," she murmured, face now unreadable. She walked forward and poked him in the chest around the plastic shopping bag, eyes glinting. "Don't say anything like that to Kuchiki-san," she said warningly. "Don't you _dare_." She walked ahead, so huffy that when she invariably tripped over her own feet she merely righted herself and kept going.

Ichigo stared after her.

Wow.

This was _totally_ out of character behavior from Orihime. She probably wouldn't get mad if you held a knife to her throat, but she was so vehement about this that he was actually too shocked to even think. Of course, thinking generally wasn't his forte- usually he was the one who leapt before even considering the fact that he was standing on a cliff and jumping off of it probably wouldn't help whoever had _fallen_ off at all. He was one of those crazy, so overprotective that he couldn't tell the difference between a problem and a joke guys. Thinking didn't usually come into the equation. But enough ranting about his mental capacities.

"Wait! Inoue!"

- - - - - -

"Ishida!"

Uryuu turned as he heard his name- well, his surname, but very few people actually called him by his first- called by a familiar voice.

"Yes, Kuchiki-san?" he replied politely as the tiny girl reached his side.

"I need your help with something," Rukia announced.

"What?"

"I'm going to get Ichigo and Inoue together."

The look on his face would have been priceless had Rukia had any idea why it was there.

"What?"

- - - - - -

Orihime stormed away (and straight onto her face, but that wasn't the point) furiously. Well, about as furiously as Orihime was capable of storming. It just made her so angry... She recalled vividly the look of forlorn... _sadness_ that had crossed Rukia's face when she mentioned that everyone had hated her on sight when she joined the Thirteenth Division because they assumed she was a spoiled Kuchiki brat, and then the unequivocal joy in her subdued expression when she spoke about the one person who hadn't thought that. Orihime had been horrified to see that look change directly back into devastation.

She practically shook with anger- and worry. If Ichigo should ever say anything like that to Rukia, Orihime might actually have to strangle him. Orihime was a very nonviolent person, but the thought of the look on Rukia's face if she ever heard _that_- well, Orihime was extremely defensive of her friends, and that could easily turn to destructive power if anyone ever made one of them make a face like _that._ It was horrifying.

"Wait! Inoue!" Resisting the temptation to completely ignore the object of her extensive affections and continue with her attempt at dramatic storming, Orihime halted and turned to look at Ichigo, who was jogging to catch up.

"Yes?" she replied frostily (for Orihime, but the best she could manage was room-temperature with the air conditioning on).

"What are you _talking_ about?!"

Orihime sighed again. Had she been the sort, this would have been the time she thought, _Men!_, and threw her hands in the air in exasperation.

"I only think that maybe you should talk to Kuchiki-san a little, Kurosaki-kun... OH MY GOSH, IS THAT A PURPLE ELEPHANT?!" It was, in fact, a green lamp post, but this _was_ Orihime, and we all know how Orihime's mind functions. Or doesn't. She had finished her speech, and now her mind was free to wander, and probably get completely lost in an alley somewhere. The alley was probably painted bright pink and decorated with sunflowers and a sun with a smiley-face and sunglasses, which would cheerfully say in that goofy, slurred voice of overly-happy smiley-faced sunglasses-wearing suns, "Why, hello there, Orihime-chan!" and then burst into song, and then the sunflowers would start singing, and then...

Let's tune out, shall we?

((Okay, aside from my two-second attention span, I think I did pretty well in this chapter... Got _something_ done, at least. Guess who's gonna harass Uryuu for aid next? XP You guessed it. Or maybe you didn't. Guess you'll have to wait!

Oh my gosh, I guessed...

Anyway...

I hope this was okay. I know what I'm thinking about the story, but I may or may not have actually gotten it across, so everybody take a chill-pill and calmly tell me that I'm a moron _before_ hitting me with a piano, please. Don't worry, this is NOT turning into an IchiHime, as that pairing scares the hell out of me (who ever suggested that that would work, I ask you).

I'd just like to make something clear:

I _like_ Orihime. I adore her, actually. She's the little pool of sunshine in Bleach's randomly insane and yet completely depressing world. I just don't wanna put her with Ichii. They don't work together. She knows they don't work together, which is why I wonder where the IchiHime fans get off. So please don't assume that I dislike Orihime because I like IchiRuki, because I don't. She's very important, and brings a lot of emotion to the story, and I really wanna give her a hug and a cookie. -nods as though this makes perfect sense-

Anyway, that's all from me for today, so, until next time!

-Silence))


End file.
